{"id":39,"date":"2022-04-28T18:49:40","date_gmt":"2022-04-28T18:49:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/ppcc5\/?post_type=chapter&p=39"},"modified":"2022-05-04T21:48:09","modified_gmt":"2022-05-04T21:48:09","slug":"no-you-dont-need-to-go-to-holiday-parties-if-you-feel-lonely","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/ppcc5\/chapter\/no-you-dont-need-to-go-to-holiday-parties-if-you-feel-lonely\/","title":{"raw":"No, You Don\u2019t Need to Go to Holiday Parties If You Feel Lonely","rendered":"No, You Don\u2019t Need to Go to Holiday Parties If You Feel Lonely"},"content":{"raw":"I was supposed to be happy.\r\n\r\nThe laughing, upbeat music, and endless cookies told me I should be. I sometimes think of myself as an entertainer at parties, waving my hands, poking fun at myself, and speaking in a voice that doesn\u2019t sound like my own. And so when I told my friend I didn\u2019t want to be friendly at this party, she rolled her eyes. \u201cYou love being friendly.\u201d\r\n\r\nI don\u2019t. When I talk at parties sometimes, my mind feels hot and clouded, I\u2019m suddenly aware of how often I\u2019m swallowing, and I jump over silences like an Olympian. When I come home, I feel exhausted.\r\n\r\nAnd so I felt frustrated when I read an article urging people who feel lonely during the holidays to go to parties and feel grateful for what they have.\r\n\r\nI\u2019ve spent the past two years researching and writing a book about connection and loneliness. I\u2019ve learned a lot about what cultural practices cause disconnection, what happens in our bodies when we feel it, and what solutions people have pursued to feel connected. For instance, we now know that feeling disconnection from people affects the same part of our brain (the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex) as when we feel physical pain. Our brains process breaking up with someone and breaking a leg in similar ways. If disconnection feels like it hurts, it\u2019s because it does.\r\n\r\nLoneliness isn\u2019t a misstep\u2014it has a biological purpose. Humans evolved to feel lonely as a natural alert that we need more connection. We feel pain to get us to do things\u2014just as we feel pain when touching a hot stove to tell us to move our hand, we feel loneliness to prompt connection. Evolutionarily, a group of people has meant safety for humans. The good news is that we\u2019re all perfectly capable of forming connection.\r\n\r\nThankfully, loneliness is not connected to social ability. Dr. John Cacioppo, who studied loneliness, wrote that people who feel lonely \u201chave the capacity to be just as socially adept as anyone else. Feeling lonely does not mean that we have deficient social skills. Problems arise when feeling lonely makes us less likely to employ the skills we have.\u201d His research shows we are less likely to want to socialize when we feel lonely. This can cause us to not interact and feel lonelier. A most unfair cycle.\r\n\r\nBut forcing yourself to go out and smile doesn\u2019t actually help you feel more connected. Pretending to be happy has a way of highlighting how you actually feel. When entrepreneur Tony Hsieh\u00a0revamped Downtown Vegas<\/a>, he created a culture where it was the norm to be \u201con,\u201d where people celebrated being outgoing and happy. People praised his vision until they realized the Downtown Project had an unusually high suicide rate.\r\n\r\nThe expectation that everyone should be happy seemed to cause unhappiness. Kimberly Knoll, a therapist in the Downtown Project, explained, \u201cThinking that you have complete control over your emotions and if you don\u2019t feel happy it\u2019s your fault, that can make people feel shame. It\u2019s anxiety inducing.\u201d\r\n\r\nNot only were people in the Downtown Project expected to be happy, but they were also encouraged to be outgoing. One anonymous citizen there said, \u201cThere is a danger of happiness as a goal. \u2026 It\u2019s lonely. There\u2019s a pressure to socialize and go out. There\u2019s a pressure to party.\u201d This made it seem like everyone else became happy after mingling, but you were a failure if you didn\u2019t. Sort of like if social media came to life (shudder<\/em>).\r\n\r\nWe can extract a lesson from this. When other people don\u2019t know what you actually feel, then they can\u2019t empathize with you. This can make you feel more isolated. Acting like a celebrity at an awards show at a holiday party hides what you feel and won\u2019t provide connection.\r\n\r\nAn alternative is to volunteer.\u00a0Look up volunteering at a soup kitchen<\/a>\u00a0in your area. No need to feign happiness and no need to go overboard and volunteer for days. Even a little bit helps. Giving to other people is one of the primary ways humans feel connected.\r\n\r\nResearch shows that volunteering weekly makes people as happy as moving from a $20,000 to $75,000 annual salary. It forces us to become someone\u2019s ally, even briefly, and we\u2019ve evolved to feel connection when we have allies. Volunteering helps others, but it also helps you feel more connected.\r\n\r\nYou can also find ways to soothe yourself. Think about the things that help you feel calmer, like writing, exercising, or talking to someone especially accepting. Finding effective ways to show yourself some love can hold you over during a time that\u2019s particularly tormenting.\r\n\r\nThere is no universal, quick fix for loneliness. People have felt lonely through time and culture and it has also probably felt dejecting and painful for them. Ironically, you stand in good company when you crave connection to others.\u00a0Jennifer Lawrence has said<\/a>, \u201cI am lonely every Saturday night.\u201d\u00a0Justin Bieber has said<\/a>, \u201cI feel isolated. \u2026 I would not wish this upon anyone.\u201d If you feel like it\u2019s just you, remember that it\u2019s just you, Jennifer Lawrence, and Justin Bieber. So feel free to ignore the pressure to attend holiday parties. You may be better off volunteering\u2014less entertaining, more giving.\r\n\r\n____________________\r\n\r\nNeha Gajwani<\/a>\u00a0is an entrepreneur and author. She has spent the last two years researching and writing a book exploring social connection in America, due to be published in fall 2019. This essay was originally appeared in\u00a0Yes! Magazine.<\/a>\r\n\r\n\"Creative\r\n\r\nNo, You Don\u2019t Need to Go to Holiday Parties If You Feel Lonely by\u00a0Neha Gajwani<\/a>\u00a0is licensed under a\u00a0Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License<\/a>.\r\n\r\n