{"id":187,"date":"2024-07-30T17:19:13","date_gmt":"2024-07-30T17:19:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/chapter\/dealing-with-conflict\/"},"modified":"2026-03-24T20:30:31","modified_gmt":"2026-03-24T20:30:31","slug":"dealing-with-conflict","status":"web-only","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/chapter\/dealing-with-conflict\/","title":{"raw":"4. Dealing with Conflict","rendered":"4. Dealing with Conflict"},"content":{"raw":"
\r\n

Conflict is inevitable and it is not inherently negative. A key part of developing interpersonal communication competence involves being able to effectively manage the conflict you will encounter in all your relationships. One key part of handling conflict better is to notice patterns of conflict in specific relationships and to generally have an idea of what causes you to react negatively and what your reactions usually are.<\/p>\r\n

Think<\/strong> about<\/strong> It<\/strong> .<\/strong> .<\/strong> .<\/strong> Conflict<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\r\n

Watch<\/strong> this<\/strong> Ted<\/strong> talk<\/strong> on<\/strong> conflict<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong> How<\/strong> do<\/strong> you<\/strong> view<\/strong> conflict?<\/strong> Can<\/strong> you<\/strong> think<\/strong> of<\/strong> the<\/strong> last<\/strong> time<\/strong> you used conflict to resolve a situation.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n

Identifying Conflict Patterns<\/h2>\r\n

Much of the research on conflict patterns has been done on couples in romantic relationships, but the concepts and findings are applicable to other relationships. Four common triggers for conflict are criticism, demand, cumulative annoyance, and rejection<\/strong>.153<\/sup><\/p>\r\n\r\n

Criticism<\/em><\/h3>\r\n

We all know from experience that criticism<\/strong>, or comments that evaluate another person\u2019s personality, behavior, appearance, or life choices, may lead to conflict. Comments do not have to be meant as\u00a0criticism to be perceived as such. If Gary comes home from college for the weekend and his mom says, \u201cLooks like you put on a few pounds,\u201d she may view this as a statement of fact based on observation. Gary, however, may take the comment personally and respond negatively back to his mom, starting a conflict that will last for the rest of his visit. A simple but useful strategy to manage the trigger of criticism is to follow the old adage \u201cThink before you speak.\u201d In many cases, there are alternative ways to phrase things that may be taken less personally, or we may determine that our comment doesn\u2019t need to be spoken at all. I\u2019ve learned that a majority of the thoughts that we have about another person\u2019s physical appearance, whether positive or negative, do not need to be verbalized. Ask yourself, \u201cWhat is my motivation for making this comment?\u201d and \u201cDo I have anything to lose by not making this comment?\u201d If your underlying reasons for asking are valid, perhaps there is another way to phrase your observation. If Gary\u2019s mom is worried about his eating habits and health, she could wait until they\u2019re eating dinner and ask him how he likes the food choices at school and what he usually eats.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Demands<\/em><\/h3>\r\n

Demands <\/strong>also frequently trigger conflict, especially if the demand is viewed as unfair or irrelevant. It\u2019s important to note that demands rephrased as questions may still be or be perceived as demands. Tone of voice and context are important factors here. When you were younger, you may have asked a parent, teacher, or elder for something and heard back \u201cAsk nicely.\u201d As with criticism, thinking before you speak and before you respond can help manage demands and minimize conflict episodes. As we discussed earlier, demands are sometimes met with withdrawal rather than a verbal response. If you are doing the demanding, remember a higher level of information exchange may make your demand clearer or more reasonable to the other person. If you are being demanded of, responding calmly and expressing your thoughts and feelings are likely more effective than withdrawing, which may escalate the conflict.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Cumulative<\/em> Annoyance<\/em><\/h3>\r\n

Cumulative annoyance <\/strong>is a building of frustration or anger that occurs over time, eventually resulting in a conflict interaction. For example, your friend shows up late to drive you to class three times in a row. You didn\u2019t say anything the previous times, but on the third time you say, \u201cYou\u2019re late again! If you can\u2019t get here on time, I\u2019ll find another way to get to class.\u201d Cumulative annoyance can build up like a pressure cooker, and as it builds up, the intensity of the conflict also builds. Criticism and demands can\u00a0also play into cumulative annoyance. We have all probably let critical or demanding comments slide, but if they continue, it becomes difficult to hold back, and most of us have a breaking point. The problem here is that all the other incidents come back to your mind as you confront the other person, which usually intensifies the conflict. You\u2019ve likely been surprised when someone has blown up at you due to cumulative annoyance or surprised when someone you have blown up at didn\u2019t know there was a problem building. A good strategy for managing cumulative annoyance is to monitor your level of annoyance and occasionally let some steam out of the pressure cooker by processing through your frustration with a third party or directly addressing what is bothering you with the source.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Rejection<\/em><\/h3>\r\n

No one likes the feeling of rejection<\/strong>. Rejection can lead to conflict when one person\u2019s comments or behaviors are perceived as ignoring or invalidating the other person. Vulnerability is a component of any close relationship. When we care about someone, we verbally or nonverbally communicate. We may tell our best friend that we miss them, or plan a home-cooked meal for our partner who worked late.<\/p>\r\n

The vulnerability that underlies these actions comes from the possibility that our relational partner will not notice or appreciate them. When someone feels exposed or rejected, they often respond with anger to mask their hurt, which ignites a conflict. Managing feelings of rejection is difficult because it is so personal, but controlling the impulse to assume that your relational partner is rejecting you, and engaging in communication rather than reflexive reaction, can help put things in perspective. If your partner doesn\u2019t get excited about the meal you planned and cooked, it could be because he or she is physically or mentally tired after a long day. Before you jump to a conclusion, it is useful to examine why a person might be acting the way that they are. You can check to see if your perceptions are correct by first attributing different causes to their behaviors, and then asking them about what you perceive. If you did cook a nice meal for someone who worked late, and didn\u2019t let you know in advance, your initial reaction might be one of rejection. This is a good time to look for causes for their behavior other than rejection. Were they forced into working late by their boss? Did they have a deadline they had to meet? Finally, ask about the cause because the answer may indicate that being late had nothing to do with rejecting you.<\/p>\r\n

Interpersonal conflict may take the form of serial arguing<\/strong>, which is a repeated pattern of disagreement over an issue. Serial arguments do not necessarily indicate negative or troubled relationships, but any kind of patterned conflict is worth paying attention to. There are three patterns that occur with serial arguing: repeating, mutual hostility, and arguing with assurances.154<\/sup> The first pattern is repeating<\/strong>, which means reminding the other person of your complaint (what you want them to start\/stop doing). The pattern may continue if the other person repeats their response to your reminder. For example, if Marita reminds Kate that she doesn\u2019t appreciate her sarcastic tone, and Kate responds, \u201cI\u2019m soooo sorry, I forgot how perfect you are,\u201d then the reminder has failed to effect the desired change. A predictable pattern of complaint like this leads participants to view the conflict as irresolvable. The second pattern within serial arguments is mutual<\/strong> hostility<\/strong>, which occurs when the frustration of repeated conflict leads to negative emotions and increases the likelihood of verbal aggression. Again, a predictable pattern of hostility makes the conflict seem irresolvable and may lead to relationship deterioration.<\/p>\r\n

Whereas the first two patterns entail an increase in pressure on the participants in the conflict, the third pattern offers some relief. If people in an interpersonal conflict offer verbal assurances <\/strong>of their commitment to the relationship, then the problems associated with the other two patterns of serial arguing may be ameliorated. Even though the conflict may not be solved in the interaction, the verbal assurances of commitment imply that there is a willingness to work on solving the conflict in the future, which provides a sense of stability that can benefit the relationship. If the pattern becomes more of a vicious cycle, it can lead to alienation, polarization, and an overall toxic climate, and the problem may seem so irresolvable that people feel trapped and terminate the relationship.155<\/sup><\/p>\r\n

Two common conflict pitfalls are one-upping and mindreading<\/strong>.156<\/sup> One-upping <\/strong>is a quick reaction to communication from another person that escalates the conflict. If Sam comes home late from work and Nicki says, \u201cI wish you would call when you\u2019re going to be late\u201d and Sam responds, \u201cI wish you would get off my back,\u201d the reaction has escalated the conflict. Mindreading <\/strong>is communication in which one person attributes something to the other using generalizations. If Sam says, \u201cYou don\u2019t care whether I come home at all or not!\u201d she is presuming to know Nicki\u2019s thoughts and feelings. Nicki is likely to respond defensively, perhaps saying, \u201cYou don\u2019t know how I\u2019m feeling!\u201d One-upping and mindreading are often reactions that are more reflexive than deliberate. Remember to stop and consider what may\u00a0have caused the behavior. Nicki may have received bad news and was eager to get support from Sam when she arrived home. Although Sam perceives Nicki\u2019s comment as criticism and justifies her comments as a reaction to Nicki\u2019s behavior, Nicki\u2019s comment could actually be a sign of their closeness, in that Nicki appreciates Sam\u2019s emotional support. Sam could have said, \u201cI know, I\u2019m sorry, I was on my cell phone for the past hour with a client who had a lot of problems to work out.\u201d Taking a moment to respond mindfully rather than react with a knee-jerk reflex can lead to information exchange, which could deescalate the conflict.<\/p>\r\n

Validating <\/strong>the person with whom you are in conflict can be an effective way to deescalate conflict. While avoiding or retreating may seem like the best option in the moment, one of the key negative traits found in research on married couples\u2019 conflicts was withdrawal, which as we learned before may result in a demand- withdrawal pattern of conflict. Often validation can be as simple as demonstrating good listening skills discussed earlier in this book by making eye contact and giving verbal and nonverbal back-channel cues like saying \u201cmmm-hmm\u201d or nodding your head.157<\/sup> This doesn\u2019t mean that you have to give up your own side in a conflict or that you agree with what the other person is saying; rather, you are hearing the other person out, which validates them and may also give you some more information about the conflict that could minimize the likelihood of a reaction rather than a response.<\/p>\r\n

As with all the aspects of communication competence we have discussed so far, you cannot expect that everyone you interact with will have the same knowledge of communication that you have after reading this book. But it often only takes one person with conflict management skills to make an interaction more effective. Remember that it\u2019s not the quantity of conflict that determines a relationship\u2019s success; it\u2019s how the conflict is managed, and one person\u2019s competent response can deescalate a conflict. Now we turn to a discussion of negotiation steps and skills as a more structured way to manage conflict.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>","rendered":"

\n

Conflict is inevitable and it is not inherently negative. A key part of developing interpersonal communication competence involves being able to effectively manage the conflict you will encounter in all your relationships. One key part of handling conflict better is to notice patterns of conflict in specific relationships and to generally have an idea of what causes you to react negatively and what your reactions usually are.<\/p>\n

Think<\/strong> about<\/strong> It<\/strong> .<\/strong> .<\/strong> .<\/strong> Conflict<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Watch<\/strong> this<\/strong> Ted<\/strong> talk<\/strong> on<\/strong> conflict<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong> How<\/strong> do<\/strong> you<\/strong> view<\/strong> conflict?<\/strong> Can<\/strong> you<\/strong> think<\/strong> of<\/strong> the<\/strong> last<\/strong> time<\/strong> you used conflict to resolve a situation.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Identifying Conflict Patterns<\/h2>\n

Much of the research on conflict patterns has been done on couples in romantic relationships, but the concepts and findings are applicable to other relationships. Four common triggers for conflict are criticism, demand, cumulative annoyance, and rejection<\/strong>.153<\/sup><\/p>\n

Criticism<\/em><\/h3>\n

We all know from experience that criticism<\/strong>, or comments that evaluate another person\u2019s personality, behavior, appearance, or life choices, may lead to conflict. Comments do not have to be meant as\u00a0criticism to be perceived as such. If Gary comes home from college for the weekend and his mom says, \u201cLooks like you put on a few pounds,\u201d she may view this as a statement of fact based on observation. Gary, however, may take the comment personally and respond negatively back to his mom, starting a conflict that will last for the rest of his visit. A simple but useful strategy to manage the trigger of criticism is to follow the old adage \u201cThink before you speak.\u201d In many cases, there are alternative ways to phrase things that may be taken less personally, or we may determine that our comment doesn\u2019t need to be spoken at all. I\u2019ve learned that a majority of the thoughts that we have about another person\u2019s physical appearance, whether positive or negative, do not need to be verbalized. Ask yourself, \u201cWhat is my motivation for making this comment?\u201d and \u201cDo I have anything to lose by not making this comment?\u201d If your underlying reasons for asking are valid, perhaps there is another way to phrase your observation. If Gary\u2019s mom is worried about his eating habits and health, she could wait until they\u2019re eating dinner and ask him how he likes the food choices at school and what he usually eats.<\/p>\n

Demands<\/em><\/h3>\n

Demands <\/strong>also frequently trigger conflict, especially if the demand is viewed as unfair or irrelevant. It\u2019s important to note that demands rephrased as questions may still be or be perceived as demands. Tone of voice and context are important factors here. When you were younger, you may have asked a parent, teacher, or elder for something and heard back \u201cAsk nicely.\u201d As with criticism, thinking before you speak and before you respond can help manage demands and minimize conflict episodes. As we discussed earlier, demands are sometimes met with withdrawal rather than a verbal response. If you are doing the demanding, remember a higher level of information exchange may make your demand clearer or more reasonable to the other person. If you are being demanded of, responding calmly and expressing your thoughts and feelings are likely more effective than withdrawing, which may escalate the conflict.<\/p>\n

Cumulative<\/em> Annoyance<\/em><\/h3>\n

Cumulative annoyance <\/strong>is a building of frustration or anger that occurs over time, eventually resulting in a conflict interaction. For example, your friend shows up late to drive you to class three times in a row. You didn\u2019t say anything the previous times, but on the third time you say, \u201cYou\u2019re late again! If you can\u2019t get here on time, I\u2019ll find another way to get to class.\u201d Cumulative annoyance can build up like a pressure cooker, and as it builds up, the intensity of the conflict also builds. Criticism and demands can\u00a0also play into cumulative annoyance. We have all probably let critical or demanding comments slide, but if they continue, it becomes difficult to hold back, and most of us have a breaking point. The problem here is that all the other incidents come back to your mind as you confront the other person, which usually intensifies the conflict. You\u2019ve likely been surprised when someone has blown up at you due to cumulative annoyance or surprised when someone you have blown up at didn\u2019t know there was a problem building. A good strategy for managing cumulative annoyance is to monitor your level of annoyance and occasionally let some steam out of the pressure cooker by processing through your frustration with a third party or directly addressing what is bothering you with the source.<\/p>\n

Rejection<\/em><\/h3>\n

No one likes the feeling of rejection<\/strong>. Rejection can lead to conflict when one person\u2019s comments or behaviors are perceived as ignoring or invalidating the other person. Vulnerability is a component of any close relationship. When we care about someone, we verbally or nonverbally communicate. We may tell our best friend that we miss them, or plan a home-cooked meal for our partner who worked late.<\/p>\n

The vulnerability that underlies these actions comes from the possibility that our relational partner will not notice or appreciate them. When someone feels exposed or rejected, they often respond with anger to mask their hurt, which ignites a conflict. Managing feelings of rejection is difficult because it is so personal, but controlling the impulse to assume that your relational partner is rejecting you, and engaging in communication rather than reflexive reaction, can help put things in perspective. If your partner doesn\u2019t get excited about the meal you planned and cooked, it could be because he or she is physically or mentally tired after a long day. Before you jump to a conclusion, it is useful to examine why a person might be acting the way that they are. You can check to see if your perceptions are correct by first attributing different causes to their behaviors, and then asking them about what you perceive. If you did cook a nice meal for someone who worked late, and didn\u2019t let you know in advance, your initial reaction might be one of rejection. This is a good time to look for causes for their behavior other than rejection. Were they forced into working late by their boss? Did they have a deadline they had to meet? Finally, ask about the cause because the answer may indicate that being late had nothing to do with rejecting you.<\/p>\n

Interpersonal conflict may take the form of serial arguing<\/strong>, which is a repeated pattern of disagreement over an issue. Serial arguments do not necessarily indicate negative or troubled relationships, but any kind of patterned conflict is worth paying attention to. There are three patterns that occur with serial arguing: repeating, mutual hostility, and arguing with assurances.154<\/sup> The first pattern is repeating<\/strong>, which means reminding the other person of your complaint (what you want them to start\/stop doing). The pattern may continue if the other person repeats their response to your reminder. For example, if Marita reminds Kate that she doesn\u2019t appreciate her sarcastic tone, and Kate responds, \u201cI\u2019m soooo sorry, I forgot how perfect you are,\u201d then the reminder has failed to effect the desired change. A predictable pattern of complaint like this leads participants to view the conflict as irresolvable. The second pattern within serial arguments is mutual<\/strong> hostility<\/strong>, which occurs when the frustration of repeated conflict leads to negative emotions and increases the likelihood of verbal aggression. Again, a predictable pattern of hostility makes the conflict seem irresolvable and may lead to relationship deterioration.<\/p>\n

Whereas the first two patterns entail an increase in pressure on the participants in the conflict, the third pattern offers some relief. If people in an interpersonal conflict offer verbal assurances <\/strong>of their commitment to the relationship, then the problems associated with the other two patterns of serial arguing may be ameliorated. Even though the conflict may not be solved in the interaction, the verbal assurances of commitment imply that there is a willingness to work on solving the conflict in the future, which provides a sense of stability that can benefit the relationship. If the pattern becomes more of a vicious cycle, it can lead to alienation, polarization, and an overall toxic climate, and the problem may seem so irresolvable that people feel trapped and terminate the relationship.155<\/sup><\/p>\n

Two common conflict pitfalls are one-upping and mindreading<\/strong>.156<\/sup> One-upping <\/strong>is a quick reaction to communication from another person that escalates the conflict. If Sam comes home late from work and Nicki says, \u201cI wish you would call when you\u2019re going to be late\u201d and Sam responds, \u201cI wish you would get off my back,\u201d the reaction has escalated the conflict. Mindreading <\/strong>is communication in which one person attributes something to the other using generalizations. If Sam says, \u201cYou don\u2019t care whether I come home at all or not!\u201d she is presuming to know Nicki\u2019s thoughts and feelings. Nicki is likely to respond defensively, perhaps saying, \u201cYou don\u2019t know how I\u2019m feeling!\u201d One-upping and mindreading are often reactions that are more reflexive than deliberate. Remember to stop and consider what may\u00a0have caused the behavior. Nicki may have received bad news and was eager to get support from Sam when she arrived home. Although Sam perceives Nicki\u2019s comment as criticism and justifies her comments as a reaction to Nicki\u2019s behavior, Nicki\u2019s comment could actually be a sign of their closeness, in that Nicki appreciates Sam\u2019s emotional support. Sam could have said, \u201cI know, I\u2019m sorry, I was on my cell phone for the past hour with a client who had a lot of problems to work out.\u201d Taking a moment to respond mindfully rather than react with a knee-jerk reflex can lead to information exchange, which could deescalate the conflict.<\/p>\n

Validating <\/strong>the person with whom you are in conflict can be an effective way to deescalate conflict. While avoiding or retreating may seem like the best option in the moment, one of the key negative traits found in research on married couples\u2019 conflicts was withdrawal, which as we learned before may result in a demand- withdrawal pattern of conflict. Often validation can be as simple as demonstrating good listening skills discussed earlier in this book by making eye contact and giving verbal and nonverbal back-channel cues like saying \u201cmmm-hmm\u201d or nodding your head.157<\/sup> This doesn\u2019t mean that you have to give up your own side in a conflict or that you agree with what the other person is saying; rather, you are hearing the other person out, which validates them and may also give you some more information about the conflict that could minimize the likelihood of a reaction rather than a response.<\/p>\n

As with all the aspects of communication competence we have discussed so far, you cannot expect that everyone you interact with will have the same knowledge of communication that you have after reading this book. But it often only takes one person with conflict management skills to make an interaction more effective. Remember that it\u2019s not the quantity of conflict that determines a relationship\u2019s success; it\u2019s how the conflict is managed, and one person\u2019s competent response can deescalate a conflict. Now we turn to a discussion of negotiation steps and skills as a more structured way to manage conflict.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":146,"menu_order":9,"template":"","meta":{"pb_show_title":"on","pb_short_title":"","pb_subtitle":"","pb_authors":[],"pb_section_license":""},"chapter-type":[48],"contributor":[],"license":[],"class_list":["post-187","chapter","type-chapter","status-web-only","hentry","chapter-type-numberless"],"part":64,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/187","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/chapter"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/146"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/187\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":328,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/187\/revisions\/328"}],"part":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/parts\/64"}],"metadata":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/187\/metadata\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=187"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"chapter-type","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapter-type?post=187"},{"taxonomy":"contributor","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/contributor?post=187"},{"taxonomy":"license","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.ccconline.org\/accinterpersonal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/license?post=187"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}